You did it and you are hidden
I woke up at 8am today, nice! Not having to worry about getting to work on time, but OH MY GOD I had to get Burgundy ready for school!! =) She was a trooper and got ready quickly though.
Yesterday mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 Kidney Disease, caused by her diabetes and her continuing to eat foods that are bad for her. I googled it and it seemed like she’ll still be around a while. UGH! She didn’t seem too phased by it though, after her appointment she still wanted deep fried food covered in sour cream and cheese.. and she got me a plate as well.
At night, the severe swelling in my hands and feet came back.. I think I have a food allergy now, probably that deep fried heart attack covered in yummy deadly dairy products. This sucks, I can’t eat SH!T! It was delicious though…I might have to try it again on a random day to see if that really IS what caused the swelling. The itching and swelling are horrible though, I was up from 2am to 4am, which is why I woke up late. Google wasn’t very helpful when I looked those symptoms up, I thought Google knew everything!
Today I’m going to the hair salon with Burgundy for a mommy and me session, thinking of some drastic change.. but my hair is finally long.. must think.
Next Wednesday I go for an echo of my heart. Cool!
When I got laid off they took away my fancy iphone and my laptop and while I have a back up phone it’s an old school non-internet type phone.. real basic flip phone. Well let me tell you the first day I was panicking because I was not “connected” to the outside world unless I was at my desk. But I promised myself I would take a day off and go to the mall, watch a movie, go eat.. but everytime I reached for my phone to check for movie times, emails, weather, I didn’t have my phone!! So I had a grown up tantrum and just didn’t use ANY internet for like three days and it was actually liberating. If anything everyone else was freaking out.. did you get my text, did you get my email, did you get my call? But I’m not replying to people’s texts with my dinosaur phone.. you have to push the numbers 3 to 4 times to get the right letter out…I was never a texter until I had a phone with a keyboard. But it actually feels better, less stressful, to not be so “Plugged in” where I feel like I have to check it every five minutes. Having a work phone for so many years had me programmed in a bad way and it’s liberating to not HAVE to check it all the time.
In other news, today I approached a school and fire station with my business and got two appointments to present to a group next month. Things are looking up. I like this. This may have all happened (layoff) for a reason. I like to believe that anyhow. That God has his plan for me, I just have to go with the flow and let it fall into place. So far so good.
Well, I finally got laid off, I was expecting that for the last year or so. I don’t know if it’s because I knew it was coming or if I’m in shock, but I’m totally okay with it, not freaking out, and happy I FINALLY get to just relax and not feel stressed. At first I thought, well if anything is wrong with me I’ll certainly have heart issues now, but the pain in my chest is actually GONE now. Who’d a thunk it? Maybe I was having job stress.. who knows. Point is now I’m unemployed and okay.
The nice thing was the way my former boss, who works for a subsidiary of another company, called me within the hour excited as all get out that he might be able to have me working with him again. He was willing to fire his current analyst in order to make room for me, but I’d have to move back to California and I’m not sure I want to do that. Plus I’m not sure I want to do that job again. It paid great and I was awesome at it, but it wasn’t “fulfilling.” But we agreed to revisit the topic next spring and see if I’d be willing to consider working with him then, that I was probably still digesting what happened that day. We’ll see. Either way it was extremely flattering to receive that offer and know he would be willing to move things around for me.
For now I have the life insurance & health license to help people with secure investments. We’ll see how that goes… this week I don’t want to think about it, I’ll panic next week.
So I go to the doctor for what feels like a premature follow up seeing as I still haven’t seen the cardiologist he referred me to, but he wanted to see if I still had chest pain (yes) or the painful numbing and swelling on my hands and feet (no). He thinks my gastritis may have become an ulcer or that I have something going on with my heart. Weird. I feel much better. I have to take a stress test though (run on a treadmill and who knows what else). He told me he thinks either way, he’s sure stress is to blame for my problems. But I don’t even feel stressed.. not consciously anyhow. I mean.. work is pretty relaxed now that we’re slow as dirt. I might get laid off because work is THAT slow, but I’m okay with it and for whatever reason feel totally prepared, and I eat totally bland boring food, so I know it’s not food giving me heart burn. So how do I stop doing the things that cause me stress, if I don’t know what they are!? Ugh….. I’ve got some thinking to do. I’ve tried to make my life as boring and mundane as possible. I work, I study, I play with my daughter, I go to sleep and I do the same thing the next day.
Tomorrow I turn 36, yah me! Tomorrow I will de-stress by having a giant margarita with my pal in Orange County.. it’s not on the approved things to eat list, but damn, nothing is anymore!
Ha, so I’m minding my own business in a deep sleep when I wake up with some intense chest pain.. it’s in the middle of my chest, not the left side, so I’m not thinking heart attack.. I take some ibuprofen to make the pain go away and go back to sleep. Ten minutes later my hands and feet are BURNING.. so much pain and swelling.. It’s 2am and I run to the computer to google it and can’t find squat really that sounds like what I was experiencing just a lot of people asking “what is this?”… It starts to itch really bad, so bad I start crying and can’t stop saying “owwwww” so I take some Benadryl to see if it was an allergic reaction to the Ibuprofen even though I take it all the time. I take the Benadryl and start googling some more since the swelling hurts so bad.. suddenly I feel like I can’t see out of one eye, I stand to walk to the door and suddenly I can’t see out of the other eye, I’m dizzy, and next thing I know I wake up on the floor. I think it was only for a few minutes.. but that was the first time I ever fainted in my life.. I didn’t go to the doctor since eventually the swelling and pain went away.. but then it happened a second time so I figured I should make an appointment.
So I went today and after an x-ray and an EKG they tell me I have a heart murmur and they’re sending me to a heart specialist to make sure I’m okay, but that the symptoms are kind of wacky with the itching so he’s not really sure what it is. I swear, is there a world record for number of specialists a “normal” person sees? I don’t even have any real disease or anything, I’m just always at the doctor. Then he said to make sure to have a bland diet just in case and is having me take Nexium every day. I’m already DRINKING my food and it’s all fruits and vegetables with ONE chicken breast all damn day.. bland diet.. Ha! Seriously?! if the way I’m eating is giving me indigestion then just shoot me now and put me out of my misery because what’s left? Living off of an IV?! Will that cause indigestion too!? I thought I was past all this doctor crap now that I ate like an herbivore.. guess not. And this chest pain has been here for two weeks now. Ugh.
Had the weirdest thing happen yesterday. So I wake up in the morning and Burgundy asks, “what day is it, is it, the 12th?” and I walk over to the calendar and say “no, it’s the 14th, today is somebody’s birthday” so it starts before I get my cup of coffee… the incessant thoughts I can’t get out of my head. Should I call, text, email, etc? But then I think, no, I was blocked for a reason, to stay away and out of sight.. so I’ll just stay away and out of sight for now. But weirder than that… I got two emails yesterday from (according to the computer) myself that were greeting cards, but when I tried to open them they didn’t work. It was so weird. I got another one a few hours later.. a greeting card from myself that was un-openable. Then I go to church and the pastor goes on and on about not hurting people with lustful thoughts and what not… not exactly what I wanted to hear… but I couldn’t stop the thoughts none the less. The pastor said I have to learn how to control the thoughts… but didn’t say HOW! So I’ll just keep my thoughts, all crazy, wild, and out of control.
I’m trying real hard to get out of debt. Don’t know if I ever mentioned how deep in the hole I am. I owe almost $90k in student loans. HOLY SHET! I was really kind of hoping my mom’s life insurance would help me pay that off.. but she’s not dying anytime soon it seems and I can’t afford to renew her life insurance.. well, I couldn’t.. but I’m working on it.
I just got licensed as an independent insurance agent and have been learning SO MUCH about life insurance, securities, investments, taxes, etc.. I think it’s a great thing. I am hoping that with this extra income I can get out of debt in the next two years. That would be awesome. I’ve been going to school at night to learn and work, Burgundy has been so supportive.
Burgundy has her own career she’s been working on. I was so excited, I really thought we’d be moving to California. In the beginning of summer she was scouted by a talent agent at this MAJOR talent agency in California that represent Miley Cirus and Jon Cryer. She even had an audition with NBC, it was so exciting and new and AWESOME!! But they wanted me there like right then and there, to quit my job and move to Cali so I could send her on 3-4 auditions a week and I just can’t do that right now. I still need my day job, the insurance stuff is in the super baby stages. I just passed my license exam last week.
I did promise to keep Burgundy in her acting classes locally and her teacher is opening up an agency and asked her to be a part of the agency. When we were there we met a few famous people she was also including in her agency, people she represented in the past. We went last Sunday to take pictures and she had her hair and make up done and she had a blast. So she might be able to work on some stuff out here, until I’m able to get a more flexible career where I can take her to auditions during the day. So we have plans in the works.
Now that I have my Nevada license I am going to apply to get licensed in California as well as I know a lot of people I can help out that way. Everything is money though..but it is worth it.. I have to get rid of this debt and stop counting on my mom dying to make it happen. She’s obviously going to outlive me and haunt me until she’s 100 years old.
So that’s my life in a nutshell.
Hope you had a beautiful day.
Okay, so, I really have been wanting to work out cause I’m 20 pounds overweight and at age 35 dieting doesn’t seem to do squat like it did back in my 20s. Not only that, I switched my bland chicken salad lunches to these supposedly low calorie smoothies from Tropical Smoothie and I GAINED WEIGHT! It took me a month to lose the darn 5 pounds and after two weeks of low calorie smoothies it’s back. The proctologist said there was no reason not to work out, that it was common in dry states like Nevada and Arizona for people to bleed “back there” when they worked out and it was probably a skin tear since he didn’t see anything too awful, just a few healed hemorrhoids that looked old. He had both hands and his head back there. OH YEAH, that ws fun. He said a little vaseline and I should be fine. I figured I’d lube up for a week to “moisturize” before actually trying anything. Try walking around town with a spoon full of vaseline up your rear, it’s disgusting, but I was determined to do it so I could be normal and work out.
I want to do this one lower body workout since all my fat tends to go to my now enormous saddle bags and butt that mushes into my leg… but since last time I did it I bled profusely, I figured I’d start off with something less strenuous so I jogged first and thought if I survived that I’d do the other workout.
Did a lot of swimming over the weekend and that didn’t bother me at all. Jogged on Monday for 20 minutes and that seemed to go off okay. Jogged again yesterday for 17 minutes (couldn’t make it to 20) and then went swimming for a while…completely lubricated during all of these, and I STILL have restroom issues. So it’s definitely irritated by exercise and the proctologist can kiss my sweet ass because the vaseline didn’t eliminate anything. UGH!!!! I know that next time I go see him I have to be bleeding and swollen and whatever so I’ll just keep working out like a masochist and then make an appointment so he can see what I’m talking about. I hadn’t worked out so I was fine when I went to see him. He’s in for it now. Or am I?